Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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