Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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