you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
