I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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