You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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