i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
