i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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