i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
wow bdsm is so cute
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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