I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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