I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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