just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
