Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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