I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
