My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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