But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
