Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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