I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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