Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
