i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
