No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
