oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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