The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
