I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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