There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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