SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
