I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
