Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
