I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
this will be a night to untag.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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