Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
