I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
