after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
