dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
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