Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
