This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
