whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
