OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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