Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
