she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Are we still banned from the library?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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