trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
