I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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