Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
