Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize