my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
