I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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