She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
