I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
