I can tuck mytits in my pants
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
