Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
