dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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