i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
