he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
