We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
