the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Drunk is a universal language darling
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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