this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
