She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Randomize
