I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
