No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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