he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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