I think I just saw someone hide a body.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
