good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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