I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
